a former pro hockey player re-imagines his past
"I just want to be on the ice and I just want to skate fast and my identity should not hold me back from that."
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Harrison Browne is a Canadian writer, an actor, a filmmaker, and an LGBTQ+ activist. He was also the first openly trans professional hockey player. He transitioned while still actively playing, and won championships in the National Women's Hockey League1 with both the Metropolitan Riveters and the Buffalo Beauts. He retired from professional hockey in 2018 so he could begin medical transition.
I first spoke to Browne in 2020, while reporting a story for Sports Illustrated—we revisit that conversation, and the impact it would end up having, in our interview below.
Browne has written a short film, Pink Light, based on his own experiences. The filmmaking team is currently crowdfunding in order to finance the movie, which follows Scott, a post-transition trans man in his early 30s, as he flashes back to college and his pre-transitioned self.
Below, I talk to Browne about Pink Light, his other writing endeavors, and life after professional hockey. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Out of Your League: Let's start by talking about the short film Pink Light, which is what you are currently crowdfunding for. Can you tell me about how it came about?
Harrison Browne: It’s based off my experiences while playing college hockey and being stuck in this limbo, not being able to physically transition because of NCAA protocol and really coming to grips with my gender and not feeling like I would be seen as a man by society when I didn't look or sound like “a man.” It’s about the fact that I thought my life was going to have to be on pause until I was done playing hockey.
I just turned 30 this year and I was thinking back on my life, and realized that I was always living my life. Just because I wasn't physically transitioned didn't mean that I didn't have a life to live. I just thought it would be really interesting to write a love letter to that version of myself that felt like he'd never be enough, and that he'd never have a good life, and just be like, you do. And you did.
I wanted to pay some tribute to that version of myself.
OOYL: I'm going to ask you a very queer question. You said you turned 30 this year. It makes sense that you would be reflecting on your life post-Saturn return! When’s your birthday?
HB: May 13, 1993 I'm a Taurus.
OOYL: Do you follow astrology?
HB: I know my three thingies [Ed. note: Big three]: Taurus sun, Aquarius moon, and Capricorn rising.
OOYL: You have all that earth energy, I love that.
HB: Yeah, my partner is actually Taurus as well, and her moon is Aquarius. So we have the same sun and moon, which is kind of fun.
OOYL: That is really cute. Sorry, let’s get back to your film! Had you ever written a screenplay before?
HB: I had. But this is the first thing that I've written that is actually getting made. When Covid happened and everything shut down I was like, ‘Well, what can I do that's in my control?’ And then I just started writing, and I wrote this awful screenplay about—it was a feature film and it was based on my college experience as well, and it just wasn't good. But I've learned so much since then. I've been writing for the last couple years. It's actually turned into something that I really, really enjoy. It just feels good to have control over something.
OOYL: You will be playing “Scott,” the older version of “Scotty,” the character based on you. Who is the rest of your team?
HB: I've pulled together a really great team. It started out with a call for a trans or non-binary producer. The acting union that I'm part of is called Actra, and they put a call out for me. I met with this non-binary, Toronto-based producer named Macaulee Cassaday who has been amazing through this whole process. We really wanted to have the majority of the team be trans and non-binary. So we have a non-binary editor, R Austin Ball; the person that's doing the music is a transmasc actor based out of Toronto, Lane Webber. And then my partner, Nicolette Pearse, is going to be acting with me, which is really fun. [We are still casting for the younger version of me/Scott].
Our DP is amazing, J Stevens, another non-binary director/cinematographer who's been working in the industry for a long time. I think having J on board has really made me feel pretty confident that it's gonna be a great thing because it's my first time making a film but to have them there as a kind of mentor for me will be great.
OOYL: Speaking of writing, did I also see that you have a book?
HB: I do. Yes. My sister, Rachel Browne, and I are writing a book on trans inclusion. We handed in our first draft to our editor earlier this year. So we're just waiting on the second round of edits. [My sister is] a journalist and has really taught me a lot about narrative and how to tell a story. I've learned a lot through her.
This book is asking how we can move forward [from this moral panic and cultural moment] and learn how to make this gendered landscape of sport accessible and safe for gender non-conforming athletes.
OOYL: Which is actually related to the last time we spoke, when I was writing a story for Sports Illustrated about non-binary athletes and policies and you shared with me that you would have kept playing in the [NWHL] if you had been allowed to start HRT and medically transition.
I want to thank you for that. That was a really important disclosure. I don't know if you had ever shared that publicly before then. And I don't know if you know that when the league updated their policy to allow HRT in 2021 (before they were absorbed into the new PWHL), that was in large part because of my story, and because of what you had told me.
HB: I didn't know that. Wow. Yeah, when that policy came out, I was like, “Whoa. That would be amazing.”
OOYL: Yeah, I know. But that was specifically because of you sharing that publicly. I wasn’t sure if you knew that.
HB: No, I didn't. Wow! That's amazing.
OOYL: Obviously, we don't know what PWHL’s policy will look like. [They still do not have one in place after launching their inaugural season in January]. But it is nice to know that, even for a small time, there was a more inclusive policy for hockey.
HB: Hopefully it set some sort of precedent. People can look to that policy. That was something that also, if I was able to even transition a little bit in college—if my voice would have just been able to drop a little bit, if I would have had my face just a little bit more masculine, that would have made a lot of difference in my comfort level in college. It’s something I’ve realized through writing this script.
The script centers around a party, a frat party and this experience that this young hockey player has with a frat boy, and just being seen as a man. Even though he isn’t physically transitioned, he is taken at face value and accepted for who he is in this casual allyship. It's his first experience of male bonding and it is based on a real experience that I had with a frat boy at a party, and just how much that meant to me. I didn't really realize it until I had time to reflect on it.
But a big thing is that his voice hasn't dropped. He doesn't feel like he's part of this college world with these cis people and being able to just have a little bit of testosterone and being able to have those little changes would have made a lot of difference for me, and for this character, I think, too.
OOYL: What is your relationship to hockey like now?
HB: Healing.
I had to take a break. I think for reasons that most athletes also feel like, after years of day in, day out of playing my sport, being told what to do, being told where to be, it was my life. I needed to take a step away and figure out who I was outside of it.
Currently, I don't know where I fit in a world that's not, like, playing for Team Trans. Probably a gay league, I think, is where I do see myself fitting in. But I had a really hard time the last couple years accepting that I felt scared to play the sport that I loved because I didn't know where I fit in anymore.
Nudity is such an aspect of hockey. There's open showers, the dressing and undressing. It was just a place where people are naked a lot. And I didn't want to play women's hockey anymore. I left that identity behind, and I wanted to move into the male space.
But it's not a surprise that men's hockey is not the most LGBTQ+-friendly place. And I was scared of that so I held back. I wanted to play some good level, men’s hockey and I was like, “I can't see myself in that dressing room.” I was terrified to shower and I felt mad at myself that I was holding myself back from something that I wanted to do, something that I was a professional at.
I've recently gone and played some tournaments with Team Trans and that's ignited my love again for the sport and being like, “I just want to be on the ice and I just want to skate fast and my identity should not hold me back from that.” So I'm still figuring out where I fit in playing organized hockey long-term. But I do miss it and I do want to find my way back in.
Crowdfunding for Pink Light ends April 5th. You can support the film here.
The NWHL changed it’s name to the Premier Hockey Federation (PHF) and was subsumed into the new Professional Women’s Hockey League (PWHL).
Somehow you're making me love sports, and yet I'm not even a little bit sporty! What a great interview, Frankie. Outstanding work.
This was marvelous. Thank you!